Don't stop chasing

"I think that one of the biggest reason why relationships do not work out in the long run is because at one point, one side (or both) stops trying. Before one claims another person as their significant other, they would do anything to make that person happy. They would chase, they would flirt, they would be charming. They would send daily morning and goodnight texts every time you wake up or go to sleep. They would write corny messages and pick up lines just to make sure that there is a smile upon your face. But once they claim you as theirs, all of those things eventually stop. The 5 page texts slowly turn into 1. The constant calls turn into not calling at all. And the lovely endearments turn into daily arguments. In order for a relationship to work, don’t ever stop chasing. Just because the person you want is now consider “yours”, it does not mean they deserve anything less than the time when you’re trying to win them over."


What is the scariest thing that happened during a relationship? Is it when arguments occur more often? Couples aren't seeing eye to eye and realize the flaws that their partner had, is now becoming the question of why are you like that? Or is it when one side gave up doing their best 'cause the other party isn't giving in or compromising?

What does it mean to don't stop chasing?

Maybe at the beginning, you gave the person your time, your world, your listening ears and your eyes. But gradually, as things become more comfortable, you start to give her less. And make her give in more. Maybe more time to your bros because you always hang out with them every week, more time to gaming 'cause that's your favorite past time and maybe more time to family cause that's just how it is. But when she asks something from you, there's a slight moment of hesitation. Why?
Maybe it could be something simple of going to her place for dinner. Yet that moment of slight hesitation makes her wonder whether you do enjoy spending time at her place. Or even when you agreed in the end, but after dinner you're looking to leaving the place already to head somewhere else. What does it make her feel? That you aren't interested in spending time with her family, that you're having another appointment elsewhere that you need be at instead, what is?
On the other side, does it make you think that her spending time with your family every week counts as well? That she doesn't tell you she wants to leave at a certain time the moment dinner is over? Does she complain that she spends so much time at your place, yet you don't volunteer to do the same? Sometimes it leave behind a question of doubt in the air.

Don't stop chasing. How often do we practice that in our relationship. The mushy calls usually have a lot of 'I love you' in the conversation. Sometimes there would be the silent pause and you wonder if you have to be the one again to start a new topic. It seemed tiring. It is tiring when the other party isn't contributing.

Maybe then guys will say that girls are being overly sensitive with things and we shouldn't think so much into what a person say. But yet we are just made this way, unfortunately. We girls want to know that the guys are there for us, and can be there for us. We want to know that the guys consider our opinion when we ask them. We want to know that when we ask them to do something, it means something to us when they agree. We want to be surprised. We want to be demanding at times and make you do certain things.

Maybe there is also much for me to learn about relationship. Maybe to see from different point of view. And maybe to let go here and there.

A friend once said why do I sound so angry whenever I speak. And to think I never really noticed that before. Yet it is so true when I found out how angry I sound. Why? Am I that bitter inside that I don't bother showing it, so it shows in my voice instead? Am I that angry and frustrated inside, that sometimes I just don't know how to release it or trust in someone to rant all my problems to, but silently continue letting it build up inside till perhaps one day it just explored. Life always isn't fair and no matter how much I try to make it better, maybe I'm just not happy trying so hard to make myself happy when nobody cares.

Relationship tools

Just how to start this post...
What are relationship tools? Is it the essential to start a relationship, or the essential to maintain a relationship or just the essential of what your partner should have? Maybe it mean either one or it could also mean all three. Just dependent on your perspective view.

Lets start with the first one; essential to start a relationship.
Relationships of today, how does it begin? It starts with a simple hello, continued with a date and if you're lucky, it ends with a kiss or hug. Maybe not that lucky but ending the date on a good tone to know there would be a second date. Perhaps just enough hints to say 'yes I'm also interested in you'.
After all, it's always the first impression that counts the most.
Then again, it might not always be true. Some first date, it could be awkward, uncertain and unpredictable. You might not fall for the person immediately, you might not even think of falling for the person at all.
What do people look for before starting a relationship?
The first thing I looked for is communication; how well I can connect with the guy, whether we have common understandable topics. I want someone I can easily communicate with, someone I won't run out of topics to talk about and someone I can talk under the skies with.
Second is the comfortable level which would naturally with the ease of communication. That's when you know it's a good feeling.
But here the danger... How do you know you really like the person?
Sometimes we think that we like the person just cause we spend a lot of time together, it feels fun spending time together, things seems to be going well but is it really liking the person or liking the company? The question left unanswered.

The next essential is maintain a relationship.
How do relationship last? And what happen when eventually the fire flame dies out? Or what happen when you realize it isn't the love that you thought it was?
Do you let go? Do you take a step back and view the relationship from another point of view, change your perspective? Do you try to mend it or leave it broken?
Once we fall into a comfortable pattern of being with each other, we drop our guard, we be ourselves and eventually we stopped showing love the initial way when first getting together, the surprises become less frequent, affections decrease and perhaps communication become lesser.
Hearing the words 'I miss you' and 'I love you' might seemed redundant when said to often that it lost the initial meaning when it was first said.
What happens next? Maybe temptation seed in when you start spending more time with someone else. You start to fall to the other party, you drift away from what's yours and before you know it, you tell yourself that you like the other party better, you feel that your boyfr/girlfr don't love you the same.
How often do we see on confession page about relationship problems? About people asking for advice whether to continue their relationship or break off?

So how do one maintain their relationship? Through commitment, communication, understanding, the continuous showing of love and affection and knowing that some things are worth holding on to instead of regretting it only after you lost it.

The last one; the essential that your partner should (or must?) have. I guess as always we have this little secret list comprising of criteria. Criteria such as understanding, patience, loving or stable. We all want a few important criteria in our future spouse. But is it a must for the person to fulfill every criteria on the list? What if they miss an item or two and replace it with a fault instead? Or worst, what if the fault replaced is something that turn you off.

I used or still have a list for my future husband. One that I try to compromise by changing it once in a while. But still on the list there are some items which unfortunately cannot be compromise, cannot be removed from the list. What or how is your list like?

With the topic of relationship tools, there another meaning for it. Such as treating your boyfr/girlfr as a tool. But what does that mean? Something that crossed my mind while chatting to Bumpy and guess that also how this post is formed.

The way we treat our boyfr/girlfr is the tool. Simple gestures such as asking to carry the bag/books, paying for the meals, hinting to get the items you want or the worst; for sex.
Maybe you will question what wrong with my boyfr helping me carry my bag or books. Of course it would be deemed as a gentlemen act to carry your books but handbag?
It would and is common for the guys to offer to pay for the meals, and also going Dutch. It's not an absolute must that guys must always treat. Instead it would surprise them if the girl offer to pay, even if it's her share only. Don't forget, the money (if he's not working) comes from his parents and while he may be treating some of the meals, it is also a gentle reminder not to take advantage of it. At the same time, it seemed weird and well, critic that people get mistaken at you eating good food when you're attached. Maybe it's just that the couple is a foodie pair and enjoy the delight of food hunt, but that doesn't mean you only eat good food when you're with your boyfr/girlfr. It just seemed the norm to say 'wah not bad siol, eat good food with boyfr, rich lah!'.
Mainly it's a week indulgence with Bumpy that I look forward to, a meal that after a hard week, we get to sit and chill and enjoy an awesome meal together and not forgetting the fatdie dessert. And usually, we know guys, they want their girlfr to enjoy their meal and the naturally thinking that 'I MUST FATTEN HER UP!'. Lol. It never gets old. Till now, Bumpy said every weekend he has every intention to ensure I am well fed. And he kept to that promise alright (my poor weight!). I'm not succeeding any time soon on my weight loss (major sigh).
The worst I feel is hinting to guys to get what you want. And even worst if it's an expensive item. Guys aren't your sugar daddy to buy you what you want, and least of all, their parents' money should not be spend on buying expensive gifts. Even if they're working, it's money for their future and for themselves as well. You may argue that if they're working and it's their money, therefore they can choose how to spend it, whether buying gifts for you or slurping on themselves. Honestly, earning your own money does not mean you get to spend it all. And other times, it just show how you manage money, and how you don't see the worth that for the amount of hours you have worked, you have ridiculously spend the money in minutes, maybe even seconds.
Last one, tools for sex. We often read about one-night-stand, having sex within the first three (or five) dates and even unprotected sex or shotgun marriages (or not, but unplanned pregnancy).
How about those minority who does not want to be committed into a serious relationship, but yet the thought of having a girl with benefits just without the complication of relationship status. You do everything like a couple (except much dating and maybe sending home or meeting each other friends) and the date usually ends or starts in bed. What are girls to them in this case? A tool, a need to satisfy oneself or just for convenience sake?
The mindset of the current generation is changing, it is moving away from the traditional thinking where we save ourselves for marriage, we are moving from the thinking that we want to save ourselves for our spouse. What will happen then in the next generation?

Some nonsensical thoughts and ranting for today. After all, it's Monday blues and I got a test tomorrow.

Just next Friday

Just next Friday to seeing my favorite boy. Definitely can't wait, that's for sure.
At the same time, it's kind of dreading that I got about 2 weeks to study for my both papers.
A lot more to study this time for my both exams and the thing is the questions aren't exactly fixed for either papers as well. Just got to start typing out my answers and let the memorizing work begins.
Motivation to finish my revision by next Friday so I can spend all day with him.

Mood been up and down lately. Sometimes depending on the texts I received through the day, sometimes its the email that I received instead. Either way, now I have stuffs to focus on and it's just the last two laps before I am done with part one. A month break and I will continue with part two. Maybe find a short-term job in the month just for a bit of money to save for Christmas shopping.

Hmm, seen it revolving around instagram lately about 20 facts about me. So let's start..
#1. I love black, like seriously. The easiest colour to match with anything and everything.
#2. I have trouble keeping long fingernails because my nails get brittle very easily and break. As much as I really love long fingernails to scratch.
#3. I have a love-hate thing about running actually.
#4. I am the worst murmur to myself.
#5. I tend to have more negative than positive thoughts/feelings/emotions.
#6. I am the best procrastinator.
#7. I wish I have more artistic side like a bit of drawing, painting, picture angle for photo taking and matching of clothes.
#8. I hate doing house chores. Seriously.
#9. I love number 9 and 29.
#10. I actually have a bad short tempter and am impatience.
#11. I prefer doing/going places alone.
#12. I hate eating alone though. I would buy snacks to munch on while walking instead.
#13. I love cheesecake and chocolate cake.
#14. I actually have quite low self-esteem.
#15. I usually start things that I don't finish, which is really bad.
#16. I think too much. Like all the time.
#17. I love piercings, like a lot. Though I pierce and re-pierced a lot of times already that now it's debating whether I should pierce again. I want to try a facial piercing once though. At least.
#18. There a lot of stuffs that I want to do, but the thought of how society frown upon the choices limit me a lot. To say that I am indeed affected by how people look/think of me.
#19. I hate it when people don't mean what they're saying and keep repeating the words. Like the continuous apologizing or saying about regrets. I mean come on, make amendments then.
#20. I hate my legs. Big time. Literally. Seriously.

9 more days

So another two weeks of absence of not blogging, though there is not much to blog.
My sad adidas kind of the road got cancelled about two weeks ago due to the heavy rain in the morning, though to admit I was kind of happy that it got cancelled. Firstly, it was a race that I was not prepared for, let alone did much training for it. Come to think of it, I have not been doing much running nowadays. Sunday become a challenge for me to get up to run. Other days I self motivate myself that I will attempt to do my crunches, lurches and squats at home but eventually so far I have done twice only. It is indeed a poor attempt. Maybe the motivation dropped, maybe it's the company since now I don't have any running buddies to train with me (apart from Sunday) and to go stadium alone is kind of sad. Instead dessert eating becomes guilty pleasures.

Though amazingly since my boy enlisted into NS, I have not touched any dessert at all since. A little of withdrawal symptoms as well considering I was on a high dessert diet every week, attempting to have at least three desserts per week and now it has dramatically dropped to zero. Least I'm not sugar low I hope. Just going to wait till my boy books out in 9 days time and we'll go for dessert together. At the moment I'm cravings for cheesecake, rainbow cake and macaroons. Desperately want to try the Laurdee macaroons at Taka but the thought of spending much money of these little burger dessert is just not worth it. No matter how much I am tempted to get a piece, just paying $3-7 for the tiny burger, I rather get the real burger from Carl's Junior or even Fatboy. Hahah! Oh well. Then again there are outlets in S'pore which have macaroons, so there's always alternative to wanting macaroons. It's just a matter of googling the macaroons in S'pore and determine which is worth the price to pay.
Till then, I shall patiently to wait to have cheesecake again. Then again I am suppose to attempt to bake some time soon again. What happen to baking my hot cross buns. I got the yeast, just without the chocolate chips but the problem is TIME. That's something I don't have at the moment.

Having some irritated frustrated feelings at the moment, especially this morning during my lecture. Almost wanted to start an argument with my lecturer. I mean like our exam is in two weeks time, and he didn't exactly give much of focus point for us to know what kind of questions would come out in exams and I was quite frustrated by it. I mean that's a lot to study for a book of 9 chapters. Eventually after the break, then he started being more concentrated and like giving us more hints about what to come out for exams. And to break the ice, he even addressed me in front of the class asking if it was a lot to study since I showed my obvious displeased after he went through chapter 1. And the funny thing he said is how I was one of the few who participated in the class discussion which showed that I did come reading before coming class. Lol! And to think I was reading it off from the textbook on the spot. But well in the end at least he gave us better hints for exams. Thank goodness.

Feeling like a spoilt brat at times, now that my maid has went home for a three weeks break, the home become smaller. And I got to help my mom with duties at times. Though it's the simple ones of throwing the rubbish out, helping her get some items, feeding the dog/tortoise or just buying dinner home, I feel that if now in future I have to learn to do all these on my own, I might take super long time to get them done. Maybe I just too used to having a maid around that I relied on her doing things for me, such that in the process I get too pampered. In a bad sense, some stuffs I realized I don't really know how to do. Like literally. Today after a year of not doing house chores on my own, I realized how horrible I am at changing bed sheets. Lol. Mom even laughed at the way I changed my bed sheets. Tsk yes.

Meanwhile, it sometimes feeling the annoyance of being the youngest child. Knowing that despite everything, when your parents want you to do something, you still have to do it and can't say no. While big brother gets away with not doing much 'cause he is busy with work every weekday and sometimes even on weekends, responsibility then fall on your shoulder. It gets tiring at times, that in the middle of doing something, you're given something else to do, errands to run, chores. Sometimes it leaves me wondering what if I'm not the youngest child, would I bully the younger one as well? Or would I pamper my littler brother/sister. In any case, it's not easy being a child, whether youngest, oldest or middle child. Every kid would suffer negligence from parents one way or another, feel that parents are not being fair to them at times or the division of love between the siblings is not equal. We are humans after all, we tends to be selfish and want the best for ourselves. Even if we put others first in actions, we can't do that for everyone, just those who are important to us. And sometimes putting others first before ourselves can be a tiring chore, sometimes it break us down when we tried too hard to please the other party, tried to make them happy all the time or tried to give in to their wants. But sometimes it's just not enough.

Probably ranting a lot of random stuffs out.

And now I'm just counting down to 30th August. Just another 9 more days before I can see him in person. Be amused at his new hairstyle and just know that now it's a different journey in life that I'm taking. It's not the same as other relationships, but then again, to compare and contrast relationships do not work out. In the end, you feel like you're living in the past, trying to find a boyfriend that is better than the previous, always searching, always comparing and when he makes one mistake, it brings you down a lot that he did not meet expectations. After that you questioned yourself, is it worth it? Is it worth making bench marks for every relationship and see if the guy achieves it? It's not a competition where you compare timing and improve each race. Relationship isn't a race. It's an ongoing training for the final marathon. During the training, you have different coaches, and each coach techniques are different, but they want the best for you, even when it doesn't seemed like the best. Perhaps it is the best in their own view, just a matter whether you agree with them or not. And during the training, you learnt new things, you even learnt things about yourself and you even learnt how to be stronger. What's the final marathon? Marriage. Walking down the aisle. But now, maybe it's one section of relationship that I choose not to think about, not to think so far ahead just yet until maybe years later with my boyfriend. It used to be easy to talk about marriage, making plans about how to live, how many kids, what kind of jobs we want and how we want live together. All seemed like a fairy tale coming together. But eventually reality kicks in, marriage isn't as simple as it seemed to be. Some fairy tales are meant to remained in books only. Maybe I'm being pessimistic in this area. Maybe I'm not giving it much thoughts again after all that happened. Maybe I just want take things slow this time and enjoy the moment.

Some people are afraid of being too happy because they think something tragic is going to happen soon -- This is known as Cherophobia. 

Are you happy?

Another ranting post. Kind of thought of this while walking home just now and then I had a lot of things on my mind, so let's see if I can type out what I had thought in my head like 2 hours ago.

People like to question other whether they are happy. Like are you happy with me? Are you happy with your life? Are you happy with what you are doing right now? Are you happy what you are studying? Are you happy today? Are you happy eating that?

What is the definition of being happy? Is it being content with what you have? Is it feeling happy inside while you're doing that particular activities? Is it the feeling that you have? What is called being happy? What do people mean by are you happy?

And what if I'm not?

Maybe if you asked me right now this moment if I'm happy, I can lie and say yes or I can be truthful and say no.
Why no. Why not yes? It's not that I'm entirely unhappy, it's not that I'm super displeased, hell damn dissatisfied. It's maybe putting in a term that I wouldn't mind changing a few situations or having a few more situations to make things happier. Lets try sorting it out nicely in a list and see how far I get.


1. I would be happy if I could not work and study
Who wouldn't be happier if they didn't have to balance work and study? Not having to rush off to work after class ends and planning schedule to see if the work assignments fit where I am going or perhaps some adjustments here and there. At the same time after hours of running around and visiting the assigned stores, at night it's report writing. Imagine writing the same questions 6-7 times until you get super bored of typing yet you know you have to be clear, precise and concise in the answers. Is it worth the money per assignment to tire myself out like this? Honestly I don't know.
However, when the pay check rolls in, there just the sense of achievement and happiness knowing that you have worked hard for it.

But...With every point, there would be something positive to argue against the negative. As much as it is tiring to juggle work and study. You learn about time management, you learn that when you have something to be done, the hell better not be distracted and focus on it. Not multi-task on Facebook, whasapp or Skype. Chatting with up to three or more friends at a time and trying to reply them as soon as possible and concentrating on what they're telling you as well. Yet conversely, you need to concentrate on your report writing and remembering the little important details of the visit.

Because of this, you learn the value of money. You know that it isn't easy to earn money, yet it's always so easy to spend the money away. To be honest, at times, I do dislike people who get their monthly allowances from their parents. It's not being super against it, I do get a bit of allowance from parents, it's sufficient to cover the basic of transport, mobile phone bill and driving lessons. Other than that, the remaining amount is then reliant on my personal savings and pay check. It keep you in check about how much you spend when you keep your own personal balance sheet. Who knew that learning accounting would come into practice. You make a Microsoft spreadsheet and just key in the amount of money you spend per day, which store is it, the items bought, the price of each item and the total amount spend for the day, for the week and for the month.


2. I would be happier if I could hang out late outside.
This been an issue that has been bothering me for quite some time. It's not that I don't have my freedom. I used to stay out late almost every night till midnight, just refusing to go home early, and yet I have the strength to wake up early the next day for work. Maybe those younger days with more energy.
I would love it if parents stopped asking me to be home early every time I tell them I'm going out. I would be happier if I could literally just go out late in the night without having my parents calling and asking what time I would be home, or like the following day to see my mom questioning me where I went the night before, who was I with and why was I home so late. It just would be nice to go out without a care, and just truly enjoy myself without the constant need to keep track of time. Indeed it's annoying, it spoil the mood because it's as though once it's past 9pm I get slightly agitated because of the need to start heading home.

The thought I being restricted by parents annoyed me countless times that I always had to return home early and sleeping early. As much has I know the next day I have class early the next day, the fact that I need be up by 6 is the harsh fact that I need to admit why I need be home early. Maybe gone are the day where I can easily survive on 4+ hours of sleep a day and continuous running around throughout the day. Sometimes I just wish the night last longer and the days are shorter. Maybe 24 hours a day just isn't enough.

Though at the same time you know it's a good habit to cultivate sleeping early and letting the body have enough rest, and having the proper 7-8 hours of sleep. It's still a logic I cannot debate against, and also knowing around midnight is the timing that I get tired already. And even if I were to be out at that timing, I would be tired and probably would not be the best company to be around with, and also logic thinking, I would just want to go home and sleep. Tskkk. I lost my vampire-ness.


3. I would be happier if I could doing things for others.
Maybe just a week without running errands, doing favors, doing this and doing that. Just maybe.
To laze at home all day in front of the computer, spam watching movies, on Facebook, 9gag, hugelol, playing game and reading books.
Without the thought that at this timing I need be doing this or that.
Yet at the same time I get myself self-annoyed instead. Maybe it's just one of those things that I keep doing to myself and get myself all miserable.

4. I would be happier if I could.

Rahhhh.

I just missed the early bird rate to join Standard Chartered marathon in December.
Kind of upset about it, considering the normal rate now is like $95?!
That like paying almost a hundred for a run. Major sigh. As much as I thought of pushing myself to run that distance this year, I'm not sure if I am up to that challenge.
Sometimes it's kind of funny how peer pressure changes as we grow up.
When we're in primary school, maybe we had simple peer pressure like bringing mobile phones to school, getting more allowance or owning the best pencil cases.
In secondary school, we had peer pressure of smoking, skipping classes or going home late.
As we grow older, now it's like peer pressure of going drinking, buying expensive items, getting into a relationship, earning more money.
Somehow my peer pressure lately is joining marathon/race events. I wonder how that changed.
But in any case, I'm glad that it's towards a healthy lifestyle instead of pressure to go clubbing or drinking.
Rather now is to go dessert hunt, food hunt, exercising, eating healthy and well, for me, losing weight.

Just had a jam packed week, and next week doesn't look any easier.
Fighting against time and tiredness. Guess it's now getting used to less sleep, more running around and less procrastination.
Aka, I better start focusing whenever I type a report and stop being on Facebook.

Still, at times I just want a day of enjoying myself. Just lazing on the bed with a book, smoothie and dessert. Awesome dream.
And after that it's off for a nice meal of dim sum. And finally literally bumming around.
Well, next Wednesday I'm finally going to have dim sum. Like omg at last?!
Been silently cursing at people who have been eating dim sum and cursing more at those who went to Swee Choon to eat. I mean I have been waiting to go to that place since the beginning of this year when I heard about it, but yet I haven't been there. RAH!!

Busy weekend and I got 4 reports to write by Sunday night. Wish me luck!

A year ago...

Another ranting post again. Kind of wished I would stop thinking about stuffs that happen a year ago, but during this period from July to say September kind of made the most impact.
Let's start with the fun part. Exactly a year ago, I made a crazy change of colour to my hair. Like literally. Two-toned hair with a side shave, and even in the form of a stars. Kind of shows my obsession with stars.

Some stuffs that you want to do at least once in your life. Really love the colour combination and like the read as well. Except that it kind of fade to brown a little too fast then. And my gosh. My hair literally died after that bleaching session. In addition, I didn't know how to take care of my hair properly so my ends were damn dry, the whole front part is dry cause it got bleached like 5 times in total.
But the main thing wasn't the colouring part. I coloured my hair the day after I got back my university results. And it was also the day where I went to Jasmine's house to stay over the weekend because I couldn't handle the build up of emotions inside me.
I cried so much over that weekend, I had long chats with her mother but yet inside it was just empty. I didn't know what to do again, I didn't know how to convince my parents to let me return back for the supplementary papers.
Yet then, I made mistakes. And now looking back, I wonder why didn't I put it as my priority but let distractions lead me astray.
I should have been home early to try and talk to my parents, and let them know how I feel. Yet I chose to go out with friends to chat to, and came home late when they are asleep.
And finally the day of my suppose departure, I lost all control.

Why am I typing all these out. Why am I remembering all these stuffs that happen a year ago.
Maybe it's so I know how much I have perhaps grown, how much mistakes are there to be learned and like how was I then. The distance I put between people and myself. I refuse to let them into my life, I refuse to trust them or let them be there for me.
Inside, I was just thinking, what's the point. What can you do for me even if you know my troubles. Can you change reality for me or would you just be there to force me to accept reality. Suck it up and move on in life.

I don't want to care anymore. Shut off my heart to everything around.

After all, why should I bother?

In front of others, many lies can be said, many things can be said and promised, and confessed.

But once the person is gone, and we're faced with reality, everything changes.

Everything said is just empty words.

Nothing matters except proving that you're right and making the other person suffer.

Thinking that you're in comtrol, that you're higher, that you think you're doing it for me.

Don't bother, seriously.

Right now, I don't trust anyone anymore.

Nothing, but everything is a lie.

You won't know when the person you trust, will disappear one day, and you're left with nothing.

You won't know when the person you trust, will betray the trust and crush you down.

 It becomes a vicious cycle, happening over and over again.

Why should I tell you any more things?

I rather look you in the eye and say this is the product of your action.

So be proud then, of everything you have done, and everything you perhaps have taught me in the past two months.

Teaching how nothing is safe is the house, that you have to lock your things up from being taken, silently taken.

Teaching that this is how life has always been in the house, quiet with no conversation.

Teaching the importance of not making a promise, cause it will always be held against you.

Teaching the caution of every words said, that one day it will be used back.

Teaching that father main concern lies with education, and if a problem should arise, he would be the first to ensure that a solution and a fallback plan is assured.

Teaching that when family problems arise, nothing is done.

Teaching that the first thing that went wrong with your daughter is to diagnosis her with depression, and insist on a psychiatrist at mental health hospital.

Teaching that always to blame an eternal person for what is happening.

Teaching to never trust what is said in front of strangers, because it is said just because it had to be said.

Teaching what exactly a 'family' is.

Some stuffs that I typed in a blog post last year. It was all pure anger, hatred inside. Nothing else could be felt.

Eventually it became a habit of locking myself up into sister's room, spending the whole day in front of the computer, watching shows, on facebook, youtube, anything that keeps me occupied yet inside there's so much crying. 

I stopped eating much as well, and it's like a month of depression, just doing nothing. And like all things, arguments happen, fights occur. I learned then what is called locking up my cupboard, preventing the people you thought you trusted, from taking more things away from you. 

I was so prepared to kill myself then, jump off the building and let life end that way. 

The fear inside each time I leave home a while to meet my friend. The importance of locking up the cupboard and wondering if when I return, my items would still be there. The begging of help from my friend whether I can stay at her house for a month. 

Everything wasn't falling into places. In fact everything was falling into pieces and you just watch the glass shatter. 

Boyfr then was chatting with me every night, making plans for me to escape Singapore and fly down to Australia.

I could stay with him, work and study at the same time, maybe instead of studying full time, I would just take two modules per semester instead. We could save on expenses by not eating out that often, cooking more, and maybe get my old job at the market and save even more when I can bring home fruits/food. The plan was so tempting. It could work I told myself.

But we left out one main flaw... I don't have my passport with me.

And to make a passport again would need time. 

After three weeks I got forced to get a job instead of lying around meaninglessly and staring into thin space.

Manage to get a job at a dental clinic for the next six months.

Feels like it's an excuse to escape home and just not be around parents or the house at all. 

And even in the evening I can always just go out for dinner, be home late and not see or have any conversation with them at all.

To look back at all these event a year ago. It's amazed how much have changed in a year. Some things I thought wouldn't be possible then, it's actually possible now.

I thought I would never want to talk to my parents or even have family responsibility now. I told myself straight that if February I am still not going back Australia, I would just kill myself.

To the point that I actually started writing letters to leave behind. Scary thoughts much?

Who knows what might happen another year from now...

Overly sensitive

Pretty much a rare post where I just want to rant everything out, and the possibility that I don't care who will read it, or that I'm even talking about the person.

Lately the mood have been ups and downs, but mainly downs. A shot of adrenalin rush once in a while to boost the energy level, but other than that, I just feel that it's putting on a mask again just to hide how I feel inside, and showing others that I'm alright, I'm strong and hey, I won't let life bring me down.

Here's a walk into a year ago post where then, I was still super negative, still struggling with life and figuring things out. Then I guess when life doesn't go out the way we want it to be, we struggle, we lost control, we lost our direction, and we stumble down. For someone who went on the edge of killing herself, and question so many times why isn't she dead, I guess that's a lot to pick up from.

One thing that I enjoy about blogging, is reading past blog entries and realize how much you have changed over the years. And you know you're the one who typed the entry and that's how you feel at that moment while typing and who knows, maybe a few years from now, I would look back at this entry and feel even better that I have grown up so much since then. Then again, it's of course if I don't delete this blog. Since I started blogging from 16 till now, deleted quite a number of blog and now looking back, maybe it was better to keep them, like private them that only I can read.

Anyway, losing the focus. This few days haven't been the best days of this period of starting school, maybe it could be because that I have my first class test this week, or that I have an essay due. But knowing me, usually its the least of my concern. Not that I don't care much about studies but it's not really my things to scream and shout over assignment when I know I would finish/revise them on time.

It's frustration within. Sometimes holding another person's emotional burden and placing on myself gives more strains that it should have. One of my ex always tell me how he carry others' emotional burden when they burden him down with their issues, problems and worries. And how he tries to lend the best listening ear and give advice to them accordingly. It's definitely not an easy job, but for that person whom you care about, it's worth the job. That's how friendship, relationship are, you trust the person with your emotional, your insecurities, your bare naked soul and know that the person would be there to catch you if you fall, be there beside you in terms of needs and know when you need that little gentle push.

I'm not saying how every advice should be taken, but at times it's good to take a step back and see the whole situation before making decision. While other times maybe it's also good to take a daring step and see the reaction. But in whichever decision you make, like I always say (even though I might not approve), I will support you fully in it.

Sometimes we need to learn to let go and stand on our own, other times, we want/need someone to lean on and feel their arms around us. Either way, it's own time, own target that we grow. But one day we will get there, and that's when we know what we want in life, and aim to achieve it. 
Like now, I'm aiming to increase my distance to run more than 5 clicks and actually not pant so much during the last click. And hopefully by end May I would be comfortable running 10 clicks.

More random ranting. Still don't really know what are we. Sometimes it feel like strangers, other times it feel like friends, and sometimes it feels like in a relationship. Maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe I'm reading too much into everything. But can't blame either, we girls have the tendency to over-think every situation, every word, every action. And yet, even with explanation, we still can't get it either.

It's like finding both good and bad in something, and wondering whether it's good OR bad. Other times, it's like secretly wondering if you notice the little things that I post, or like whether you even seen what I posted. Instead of you asking me if I have seen what you have posted. In case you're wondering, yes I do see every post, but it's just a matter of whether I want to admit that I have seen it or just saying no about it. There's a stalker button which puts you on my favorite list of people to stalk.

It's the same as making the effort to take the lift/stairs up almost everyday. What happen if for a week, I just stop doing that. Would it bother you, or matter that I'm not there. Maybe I'm just waiting for some sort of initiative, some sort of affirmation, or some sort of signal or action that would change my mind, that would secure me and that would let me know that I'm actually still on your mind somehow.

At the beginning, it's always fun and laughing, all happy time and no argument, but as it continue on, and as it begin to get serious, things would get complicated, difficult and that we have to sit down and talk things out. Feelings come in, and jealousy occur. It's all part and parcels of the process.

Maybe I'm just not ready to be in a relationship. Maybe I'm just feeling lost and want to learn how to be on my own, after being in relationships after relationships. Maybe we're two different people having two different goals now, that it is tearing us apart. Or maybe it's just two different levels of relationship that we're looking at, and there's nothing in the middle at the moment to compromise.