Overly sensitive

Pretty much a rare post where I just want to rant everything out, and the possibility that I don't care who will read it, or that I'm even talking about the person.

Lately the mood have been ups and downs, but mainly downs. A shot of adrenalin rush once in a while to boost the energy level, but other than that, I just feel that it's putting on a mask again just to hide how I feel inside, and showing others that I'm alright, I'm strong and hey, I won't let life bring me down.

Here's a walk into a year ago post where then, I was still super negative, still struggling with life and figuring things out. Then I guess when life doesn't go out the way we want it to be, we struggle, we lost control, we lost our direction, and we stumble down. For someone who went on the edge of killing herself, and question so many times why isn't she dead, I guess that's a lot to pick up from.

One thing that I enjoy about blogging, is reading past blog entries and realize how much you have changed over the years. And you know you're the one who typed the entry and that's how you feel at that moment while typing and who knows, maybe a few years from now, I would look back at this entry and feel even better that I have grown up so much since then. Then again, it's of course if I don't delete this blog. Since I started blogging from 16 till now, deleted quite a number of blog and now looking back, maybe it was better to keep them, like private them that only I can read.

Anyway, losing the focus. This few days haven't been the best days of this period of starting school, maybe it could be because that I have my first class test this week, or that I have an essay due. But knowing me, usually its the least of my concern. Not that I don't care much about studies but it's not really my things to scream and shout over assignment when I know I would finish/revise them on time.

It's frustration within. Sometimes holding another person's emotional burden and placing on myself gives more strains that it should have. One of my ex always tell me how he carry others' emotional burden when they burden him down with their issues, problems and worries. And how he tries to lend the best listening ear and give advice to them accordingly. It's definitely not an easy job, but for that person whom you care about, it's worth the job. That's how friendship, relationship are, you trust the person with your emotional, your insecurities, your bare naked soul and know that the person would be there to catch you if you fall, be there beside you in terms of needs and know when you need that little gentle push.

I'm not saying how every advice should be taken, but at times it's good to take a step back and see the whole situation before making decision. While other times maybe it's also good to take a daring step and see the reaction. But in whichever decision you make, like I always say (even though I might not approve), I will support you fully in it.

Sometimes we need to learn to let go and stand on our own, other times, we want/need someone to lean on and feel their arms around us. Either way, it's own time, own target that we grow. But one day we will get there, and that's when we know what we want in life, and aim to achieve it. 
Like now, I'm aiming to increase my distance to run more than 5 clicks and actually not pant so much during the last click. And hopefully by end May I would be comfortable running 10 clicks.

More random ranting. Still don't really know what are we. Sometimes it feel like strangers, other times it feel like friends, and sometimes it feels like in a relationship. Maybe I'm thinking too much, maybe I'm reading too much into everything. But can't blame either, we girls have the tendency to over-think every situation, every word, every action. And yet, even with explanation, we still can't get it either.

It's like finding both good and bad in something, and wondering whether it's good OR bad. Other times, it's like secretly wondering if you notice the little things that I post, or like whether you even seen what I posted. Instead of you asking me if I have seen what you have posted. In case you're wondering, yes I do see every post, but it's just a matter of whether I want to admit that I have seen it or just saying no about it. There's a stalker button which puts you on my favorite list of people to stalk.

It's the same as making the effort to take the lift/stairs up almost everyday. What happen if for a week, I just stop doing that. Would it bother you, or matter that I'm not there. Maybe I'm just waiting for some sort of initiative, some sort of affirmation, or some sort of signal or action that would change my mind, that would secure me and that would let me know that I'm actually still on your mind somehow.

At the beginning, it's always fun and laughing, all happy time and no argument, but as it continue on, and as it begin to get serious, things would get complicated, difficult and that we have to sit down and talk things out. Feelings come in, and jealousy occur. It's all part and parcels of the process.

Maybe I'm just not ready to be in a relationship. Maybe I'm just feeling lost and want to learn how to be on my own, after being in relationships after relationships. Maybe we're two different people having two different goals now, that it is tearing us apart. Or maybe it's just two different levels of relationship that we're looking at, and there's nothing in the middle at the moment to compromise.