Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mothers' Day to all mothers!

A personal post this Sunday for my mother. Today is Mother's Day and especially for my mother, I feel that she deserve all love and attention today, but not just today but everyday. After everything that she did for me, it's only fair.

From a year ago till now, and even longer back into time, I have disappointed, hurt, broken trust with her countless times and despite everything, she was still there trying to reach to me and showing me that she still cares.

Many times maybe the method that she used wasn't the one that I wanted, I just wanted her to do things my way instead and accept the way I am without asking questions or even controlling me. Those were the worst rebellious times and looking back, I wonder how much my mother was suffering then to bear with me.

I ran away from home, not once but twice. I remembered her face when I walked out of the home and told her I don't want to come back to this house ever again, and empathize on the word that it was nothing more than a house. Her face when I ran from the gate and refused to let her chase me, and even when she caught up to me, I ran again. It was horrible, it was mean and it was hurting. Staying away from home for a week, and not caring whether I have any plans to return home. Even at the airport, when I turned my back against her and ran away from the family holidays trip. How much more can a mother take, I really don't know. I saw her face when I ran down the escalator, I knew how much it is going to hurt, but at that point of time, I didn't care.

But yet time and time again, she didn't give up on me. She could have easily give in, surrender and said that she is washing her hands off me. Leave me to do whatever I want, and don't care anymore about me, let me live my own life, throw me out of the house and leave me to survive on my own. But why didn't she?

That's why when they said a mother's love knows no limit, knows no boundary, it is very true.
A year ago, when the biggest argument happen, and cause the biggest strain between us. So much that for months it was constant argument, frustration, anger and hurt. So much unhappiness occurring in the home. So much argument and so much shouting and screaming. Everyday was a constant pain to go back, that I rather stay out late outside than to return home. It's knowing how much my mood would change 180 degree the moment I step through the gates.

It took so much energy, reflection, time, forgiveness for both of us to reach back to the stage we are today. Only a handful of close friends knew how much happened a year ago, how much I went through, how much trouble was caused. And till today, I still have that police report against me. I still am in my one year probation. Yes, I am under probation. Can't believe it right?

But through that, I learned so much, I learned to open up much more, I learned to be stronger in life and appreciate my mother so much more. I learned to see how much she sacrifice for the family. How much love she have for me, and how much she wants me to calm down.

Then I didn't see it, all I see it is how she wanted me to suffer, how she wanted to bring me back from Australia. I dropped back into depression, I locked myself inside the room for a month, I refused to eat or do anything and days were spent mindlessly in front of the computer, in front of Skype crying,  and doing the worst of slashing again. The whole month was feeling down and I didn't want to talk to anyone in the house, all I wanted to do is get out and get the next flight back to Australia. So much negative thoughts and they all had to be suicidal.

Looking back to how I feel a year ago really makes me realize how much I have improved from that condition. How much I have grown. It's not any easy process, it takes time, effort and most of all, LOVE.