A year ago...

Another ranting post again. Kind of wished I would stop thinking about stuffs that happen a year ago, but during this period from July to say September kind of made the most impact.
Let's start with the fun part. Exactly a year ago, I made a crazy change of colour to my hair. Like literally. Two-toned hair with a side shave, and even in the form of a stars. Kind of shows my obsession with stars.

Some stuffs that you want to do at least once in your life. Really love the colour combination and like the read as well. Except that it kind of fade to brown a little too fast then. And my gosh. My hair literally died after that bleaching session. In addition, I didn't know how to take care of my hair properly so my ends were damn dry, the whole front part is dry cause it got bleached like 5 times in total.
But the main thing wasn't the colouring part. I coloured my hair the day after I got back my university results. And it was also the day where I went to Jasmine's house to stay over the weekend because I couldn't handle the build up of emotions inside me.
I cried so much over that weekend, I had long chats with her mother but yet inside it was just empty. I didn't know what to do again, I didn't know how to convince my parents to let me return back for the supplementary papers.
Yet then, I made mistakes. And now looking back, I wonder why didn't I put it as my priority but let distractions lead me astray.
I should have been home early to try and talk to my parents, and let them know how I feel. Yet I chose to go out with friends to chat to, and came home late when they are asleep.
And finally the day of my suppose departure, I lost all control.

Why am I typing all these out. Why am I remembering all these stuffs that happen a year ago.
Maybe it's so I know how much I have perhaps grown, how much mistakes are there to be learned and like how was I then. The distance I put between people and myself. I refuse to let them into my life, I refuse to trust them or let them be there for me.
Inside, I was just thinking, what's the point. What can you do for me even if you know my troubles. Can you change reality for me or would you just be there to force me to accept reality. Suck it up and move on in life.

I don't want to care anymore. Shut off my heart to everything around.

After all, why should I bother?

In front of others, many lies can be said, many things can be said and promised, and confessed.

But once the person is gone, and we're faced with reality, everything changes.

Everything said is just empty words.

Nothing matters except proving that you're right and making the other person suffer.

Thinking that you're in comtrol, that you're higher, that you think you're doing it for me.

Don't bother, seriously.

Right now, I don't trust anyone anymore.

Nothing, but everything is a lie.

You won't know when the person you trust, will disappear one day, and you're left with nothing.

You won't know when the person you trust, will betray the trust and crush you down.

 It becomes a vicious cycle, happening over and over again.

Why should I tell you any more things?

I rather look you in the eye and say this is the product of your action.

So be proud then, of everything you have done, and everything you perhaps have taught me in the past two months.

Teaching how nothing is safe is the house, that you have to lock your things up from being taken, silently taken.

Teaching that this is how life has always been in the house, quiet with no conversation.

Teaching the importance of not making a promise, cause it will always be held against you.

Teaching the caution of every words said, that one day it will be used back.

Teaching that father main concern lies with education, and if a problem should arise, he would be the first to ensure that a solution and a fallback plan is assured.

Teaching that when family problems arise, nothing is done.

Teaching that the first thing that went wrong with your daughter is to diagnosis her with depression, and insist on a psychiatrist at mental health hospital.

Teaching that always to blame an eternal person for what is happening.

Teaching to never trust what is said in front of strangers, because it is said just because it had to be said.

Teaching what exactly a 'family' is.

Some stuffs that I typed in a blog post last year. It was all pure anger, hatred inside. Nothing else could be felt.

Eventually it became a habit of locking myself up into sister's room, spending the whole day in front of the computer, watching shows, on facebook, youtube, anything that keeps me occupied yet inside there's so much crying. 

I stopped eating much as well, and it's like a month of depression, just doing nothing. And like all things, arguments happen, fights occur. I learned then what is called locking up my cupboard, preventing the people you thought you trusted, from taking more things away from you. 

I was so prepared to kill myself then, jump off the building and let life end that way. 

The fear inside each time I leave home a while to meet my friend. The importance of locking up the cupboard and wondering if when I return, my items would still be there. The begging of help from my friend whether I can stay at her house for a month. 

Everything wasn't falling into places. In fact everything was falling into pieces and you just watch the glass shatter. 

Boyfr then was chatting with me every night, making plans for me to escape Singapore and fly down to Australia.

I could stay with him, work and study at the same time, maybe instead of studying full time, I would just take two modules per semester instead. We could save on expenses by not eating out that often, cooking more, and maybe get my old job at the market and save even more when I can bring home fruits/food. The plan was so tempting. It could work I told myself.

But we left out one main flaw... I don't have my passport with me.

And to make a passport again would need time. 

After three weeks I got forced to get a job instead of lying around meaninglessly and staring into thin space.

Manage to get a job at a dental clinic for the next six months.

Feels like it's an excuse to escape home and just not be around parents or the house at all. 

And even in the evening I can always just go out for dinner, be home late and not see or have any conversation with them at all.

To look back at all these event a year ago. It's amazed how much have changed in a year. Some things I thought wouldn't be possible then, it's actually possible now.

I thought I would never want to talk to my parents or even have family responsibility now. I told myself straight that if February I am still not going back Australia, I would just kill myself.

To the point that I actually started writing letters to leave behind. Scary thoughts much?

Who knows what might happen another year from now...